Barry Bonds was recently indicted for lying to a grand jury. Here’s what Mudville thinks he might have been telling them:
- “My hat size is 7 and 7/8 inches. It always has been. You can ask my wife, my ex wife, or my mistress. You can ask the clubhouse guy from Pittsburgh. You can ask my uncle Willie Mays. Did you know my uncle was Willie Mays? You can ask my son Nikolai.”
- “My penis size is 7 and 7/8 inches. It always has been. You can ask my wife, my ex wife, or my mistress. You can ask the clubhouse guy from Pittsburgh. You can ask my uncle Willie Mays. Did you know my uncle was Willie Mays? You can ask my son Nikolai.”
- Spelled name wrong on legal affidavit.
- “No, I never had an affair with Mindy McCready and Roger Clemens at the same time.”
- “The foamy substance coming out of my water glass is, to my knowledge, alka-seltzer. If it has steroids in it, I didn’t know about it.”
- “I love my fans and the city of San Francisco.”
- “No, the giant Coke bottle behind left field is not secretly a transaction point where vials and syringes are exchanged in paper bags. And no, neither is the statue of my uncle Willie Mays.”
- “Bonds on Bonds was a legitimate artistic endeavor. It was innovative, paradigm-shifting television, and the only reason it didn’t work out is that ESPN limited my creative vision.”
- “Victor Conte is not my friend.”
- “I have never hidden steroids in Jeff Kent’s mustache.”
Feel free to suggest other untruths Barry might have let slip.
